Nine practical tips for letting go in a chaotic world

let go: black and white photograph of (on left) fingers holding the cuff of a sweater over the hand (on right) fingers letting go of the cuff of the sweater from the hand "Let Go" by JFXie is licensed under CC BY 2.0.Recently, I’ve been practicing what Susan Pollak calls “letting go of whatever isn’t serving you right now”. Perhaps your first thought is “That sounds nice”, quickly followed by a second thought along the lines of “Huh, easy to say, hard to do. OK, Adrian, how can I let go in this chaotic world?”

I’ve no guarantees, but here are nine suggestions that almost always work for me.

1 — Notice what’s going on

Yes, we need to shut up and listen to what people say. And we need to notice what they do. But what is often harder is to listen to and notice ourselves. To notice:

A simple personal example is noticing I feel angry about a small irritation, like accidentally dropping something I’m holding. When I’m centered, an incident like that is no big deal. But when I respond with an expletive, that’s a sign something else is going on. I’m likely carrying some anger that has nothing to do with my fumble.

Without noticing what’s going on with ourselves, we’re unlikely to be capable of letting go of anything that isn’t serving us well.

2 — Meditate regularly

Regular meditation is the key to giving me practice and supporting my need/want/desire to let go of what isn’t serving me in the moment. Though I struggled to meditate daily for many years, I’ve finally developed a daily meditation practice that serves me well. I also try to meditate when I notice incongruence in my responses to experiences (see above).

3 — “Nothing to get. Nothing to get rid of.”

While meditating, thoughts and (sometimes) feelings appear. When this happens, reminding myself that there’s “Nothing to get. Nothing to get rid of.” calms me and helps me empty my mind.

4 — “Is it necessary?”

The question “Is it necessary?” is a useful tool to examine a disturbing thought that captures your attention.

Do I need to be thinking this thought right now 😀?

Usually, the answer is “no”!

5 — Remember who you are

I have a contract with myself, that I developed in 2005. Sometimes, I notice I’m circling through thoughts and feelings about a fantasized future unrelated to the current moment. I remind myself of my contract — who I really am — by mentally repeating it to myself. This helps me center and stop clinging to unhealthy and unproductive thoughts and feelings.

6 — Greeting what comes up with compassion

You can’t force letting go. Instead, you can accept the reality of what is happening.  One way to do this is to greet what comes up with compassion. Compassion is a form of acceptance that can allow persistent thoughts and feelings to lose their force.

6 — “Let John be John.”

Sometimes you find yourself worried, upset, angry, etc. due to a specific person’s actions that affect you. A helpful way to get some distance and relief from these feelings and associated thoughts is to accept that they are the way they are. Saying to yourself “Let John be John” (substitute their name for “John” 😀) acknowledges that:

  • They are not you.
  • How they interact with you is always about them, and, often,  not about you.
  • You accept their reality without it necessarily affecting yours.

7 — Use music

Music has the strange power to change our emotional state. I don’t know of a better way to move away from persistent distracting thoughts and feelings than by listening (and sometimes dancing) to music that I love.

8 — Other concepts that may help you.

I’m using imperfect words to convey helpful approaches to letting go. Here are some other words and phrases that may strike a chord for you:

  • Acceptance
  • Loosening
  • Surrendering
  • Releasing
  • Noticing the burden
  • Clinging is suffering; letting go ends suffering
  • Letting go is a form of love.
  • Letting go is an ongoing practice and process
  • Letting things be as they are

9 — Finally, be kind to yourself!

We are all imperfect realizations of our perfection. I fail at all the above over and over again. When the renowned cellist Pablo Casals was asked why, at 81, he continued to practice four or five hours a day he answered: “Because I think I am making progress.” So, be kind to yourself!

What practical tips do you have to help you let go in this chaotic world? Please share in the comments below!

Image attribution: “The image Let Go” by JFXie is licensed under CC BY 2.0 .

A story about letting go of control at a conference

letting go of control at a conference: Two women joyfully kayaking through turbulent water. Image attribution: flickr user donaldjudge

Letting go of control at a conference

The last session of Conferences That Work is called a group spective—a time for participants to look back at what has happened for the group and forward to possible futures together. During the spective, I use a variety of activities to encourage and support reflecting, sharing, brainstorming, and deciding on next steps. One process is a simple go-around. Each participant in turn answers a few open-ended questions about their conference experience and ideas about what might happen next.

When using a go-around format, the first person to speak can have a significant influence on the subsequent sharing around the circle. Others tend to pick up and echo their brevity, tone, and emphasis, in the same way a minor current at one crucial spot can greatly influence a boat’s subsequent track on a river.

My concern

I used to worry that this could pose a potential problem. What if the first person who spoke had little to say, or was very negative about the conference? So I’d often pick someone to start who I thought would provide a “good” model of how to share.

My eyes were opened at a conference where I thought we had, over the years, arrived at a close-to-perfect schedule. At the group spective, I casually chose the attendee sitting next to me to start the go-around sharing. I listened in dismay as they offered criticisms and made pointed suggestions for improvement. The overall tenor of their remarks was quite negative. Other attendees followed their lead, refining their critique and adding their own judgments. Despite my initial consternation, as I listened I heard many good ideas. Ideas that could well improve the conference format in ways we hadn’t considered. Slowly, my excitement about these new possibilities overcame my fear of the critical tone of the spective.

During the discussion that followed, it became clear that attendees were also pumped up about these potential format changes. Many felt these could make an already great conference even better. Rather than make spot decisions during the spective, we ended up using an online survey over the next couple of weeks to consider and compare the proposed scheduling alternatives.

What happened

At the following year’s conference, we incorporated several of the changes suggested at the spective. There was wide agreement that the new design was better than anything we had done before.

It’s scary to let go, to let the unexpected happen. It’s hard to find the courage to watch without interfering, as an unexpected event leads to a host of consequences. As we sit in our boat, formerly safely floating down the conference river, but now suddenly veering alarmingly towards an indistinct muddy bank, most of us have a natural tendency to want to grab a paddle and attempt to wrest the craft back into the middle of the flow. Yet, if we surrender to the current, using our facilitation paddle merely to moderate our speed and make fine course corrections, we may find that the bank, once we reach it, is full of unexpected delights and possibilities.

[Adapted from a story in Conferences That Work: Creating Events That People Love]

Did you ever let go of control at a conference? What lessons did you learn?

Image attribution: flickr user donaldjudge