Fake women event speakers? We need to think bigger!

illustration of the OpenAI logo dreaming up a fake eventFor heaven’s sake! Fake women event speakers? Fake articles by fake writers in Sports Illustrated? Meeting professionals: this is a golden opportunity! We need to think bigger! Yes, friends, it’s now obvious that what our industry needs is…fake events!

Think about it for a moment.

Fake speakers

Creating fake women speakers is just one tiny step in the right direction. Think big! How hard is it to make all your speakers fake? OK, so some intrepid journalists took the time to discover that a few women speakers featured on a conference website don’t exist. Well, no one’s going to bother to do that for your male speakers, because everyone expects that men will be the vast majority of your headliners. So you have nothing to lose! Make all your speakers fake!

Fake attendees

The next logical step: create fake attendees! Lots of them! We are all impressed by those huge events that everyone who is everyone has to attend for FOMO. And getting people to register and actually attend events these days is a ton of work. Hard work! Instead, simply have ChatGPT generate a long list of impressive attendees. Be sure to ask for a good mix of ethnic names, genders, and geographical regions, together with impressive job titles at big-name companies. Ten minutes work, tops! Your event is already a success! And it hasn’t even happened yet!

Fake events

At this point, the final step should be obvious. Putting together a successful event, in-person, online, or, heaven-forbid, hybrid is HARD! It takes time. It costs money!

Give yourself a break! Stop running yourself ragged designing, preparing, and running real events.

Instead, create fake events!

Here are some of the advantages of fake events over real ones.

  • No pesky people to hire, fire, and pay!
  • Ditto, contractors! Goodbye, logistics! No more negotiating with F&B suppliers, transportation services, in-house production, etc. (Don’t get me started on in-house production.)
  • Zero expenses! The only tool you need is ChatGPT—and it’s free! (For now.)
  • High status! Post about your well-attended and prestigious fake events on X and LinkedIn and see your stature in the #eventprofs community soar! Don’t forget to have your fake attendees rave about their experiences (again, think ChatGPT) too!

It’s a no-brainer—right?!

A final word

If everything I’ve said still hasn’t convinced you to sit down at your computer, or even your phone, and start pumping out fake events, here’s one more point to bear in mind.

We may all be living in a simulation! Yes, I know it sure seems like we’ve been laboriously creating amazing events for years. But what if we’re just ones and zeros in a supercomputer, programmed by some teenage wunderalien who has nothing better to do?

In other words, you may have been designing, preparing, and running fake events your whole (simulated) life!

Now you’re aware of this, is there any reason not to create fake events?

Unless of course you, dear reader, are fake too.

Hello? Is there anybody there?

Hello?

Six Events At The Facilitator Olympics

Did you know that facilitators have their own Olympics too? Here are six events at the facilitator Olympics you may not be aware of…


Events At The Facilitator Olympics 

Also, here’s a bonus cartoon that illustrates the esteem in which facilitators are held.

Perhaps you know of additional events at the facilitator Olympics? So feel free to share them in the comments!

With thanks to @ShitFacilitator (whose profile reads “I facilitate groups. But really, I’m just holding the space.”)

Image courtesy of Rob Cottingham under a CC license

5 tips on how to market event apps to me

how to market event apps: A screenshot of a Facebook comment by Traci Browne that says:"OH MY GOD! You've developed an event app so attendees can get information aboiut your event right on their own devices?! You can even tweet and instagram and facebook from it??? You are so innovative!!! Why has no one thought of this before???"

"And that is exactly how I want to respond to the 1000th person who has sent me that press release this month."
—Traci Browne, Facebook post

If you’re an event app developer, how should you market event apps to someone like me?

Like my friend Traci, I receive a constant stream of messages from developers about their new event apps. Naturally, as a frequent commentator on the event industry, I am anxious to throw myself into the tiniest details of these innovative products that are sure to revolutionize every event professional’s life. Clearly, they are tools that will:

  • Drive sponsors to frantically push bundles of thousand dollar bills under planners’ door-stoops before dawn.
  • Guarantee events where gleaming unicorns gambol playfully and attendees glide above the hotel carpet transfixed with delight and wonder.
  • Effortlessly create timeless experiences where the A/V works flawlessly, participants’ only complaint is that the Wi-Fi is too fast, and no one ever requests a gluten-free meal.

How can you be certain to bring your app jewels effectively to my rapt attention? Here are 5 simple tips that will ensure your app’s beauty, uniqueness, and—let’s just say it—sheer virility will make my heart go pit-a-pat.

5 tips on how to market event apps to me

  1. Please make sure to couch your request in anonymous terms. I do not want to believe for a moment that you are interested in my opinions because you know something about me. Mail merge my name from a list of people who write about the event industry. This shows a unique understanding of the personal touch that is so important when doing business these days.
  2. Demand I set aside 30 – 60 minutes of my worthless time so you can demo your app’s staggering genius. You’ll make my empty day so much brighter!
  3. Forcefully suggest that I review your app in loving detail on my blog. Yes, you noticed that I’m starved of ideas for posts; help me out here and I’ll be so grateful!
  4. Point out how splendid it will be for me to spend hours testing every nook and cranny of your masterpiece. I can then enjoy the privilege of reporting back on how to improve it. (Though surely I’m unlikely to find anything to suggest.) I will be so happy knowing there’s a small chance I might make your app slightly better!
  5. Do not think for a moment of suggesting any recompense for my minor labors on your behalf, like a free trial of a non-free service or <shudder> payment. It is an honor that you even asked me to contribute; recognition is all I need!

How to market event apps to me? That’s it! Piece of cake!

I’m so committed to your apps that, to assist you to the best of my ability, I’ve discovered how to increase the hours in every day to 48 and entirely forego sleep. So keep those phone calls, emails, and social directives rolling in so I can joyously and promptly respond to your oh-so-reasonable requests! All I’m asking is for you to enrich my life a smidgen.

Is that too much to ask?

Breaking: Government concerned about privacy concerns of “eyes”

 

using eyes blindfold: Photograph of Miss Forward Blindfolded taken at the Wisconsin State Capitol February 18, 2011. Photo attribution: Flickr user briananthonyadamsDateline Washington, DC. May 17, 2013: Congressional representatives today raised concerns about citizens’ ability to see what is going on by using their “eyes”, two organs buried inside most people’s heads.

“Forget Google Glass,” said Rep Joe Barton, “what if the average US Citizen obtains the ability to ‘see’ what is going on in their immediate vicinity? All hell could break loose. The privacy implications of this ‘vision thing’ are staggering and must immediately be addressed by a high-level governmental commission with the authority to put a stop to it.”

Rep Joe Barton then proceeded to tie a bright red bandana around his “eyes” which he said would stay in place “until the emergency is over.”

Photo attribution: Flickr user briananthonyadams